this post has absolutely no point other than me trying to be brutally honest to myself, and thus starting a process to become better.
i was raised to hate women. i'm a feminist, pan-sexual (at least on paper) and a super empathic person by nature. yet i have to struggle, on a daily basis, with disturbing thoughts regarding other women.
my life is like a constant competition against other women, and it's suffocating. and embarrassing. and i'm trying really hard to stop. to stop comparing my attractiveness in the eyes of others to that of other women. to stop slut shaming. to stop judging other women based on how hip they are. i'm ashamed to admit i do all of this. and while some of it almost certainly wells from a low self esteem, i'm not willing to blame all of this on it.
i've been coming to this realization ever since i, not too long ago, accused ilmari, my lovely partner who treats me with nothing but respect and love as an equal, by default, of only valuing me based on appearance and oral sex skills. as soon as i'd said it i realized it's not him who sees me in such a way, it's me. which really hurt to realize. really, really hurt, especially my ego, because i've thought of myself as better than that. but alas, it really is i who regard myself as more desirable if i like weird sex and swallowing cum. it's i who want to be one of the guys and chug beer super fast, and the most feminine and attractive woman in the room at the same time. it's i who am so very grateful for my appearance because being beautiful makes your words matter.
so, how am i going to blame this on others? well, because i highly doubt i'm alone with this. i think it's come from my female role models, both real and fictional, who have had exactly the same kind of thoughts that i struggle to rid myself of, and have all my life spoken in degrading ways about other women, targeting attributes such as appearance and how sloppy one's vagina is.
what remains now, is trying to stop fighting this very real, yet completely imaginary fight against other women.
AND THEN SOMETHING NICE AND LOVELY;