ah trench coats and pearls and pvc.
what a diamond combo.
today i'm going to blast bowie from my macbook air and not bother attaching it to speakers (like i'd ever) and look like a loser housewife and watch mtv and then go and binge on my mom's delish food because she's hands down the best cook ever and i'm going to play video and board games with my little brother and then ilmari is taking me to our neighbor chinese restaurant.
otherwise, i'm trying to chillax. i'm so tense i'm going to snap any day now. i'm so tired of being a douche about stuff and it's like i hate fashion and trends as it is, it's just so very easy for me, and i'm very attached to visually pleasing things. but i want to be able to step out for five minutes and not be like "what are you doing combining those shoes with that and can you just please stop wearing those ugly ass flower crowns, they're so passé and dip dyes were cool in 2008 and having unnatural hair colors in general can you just not plz cmon AND IF NOTHING ELSE, PLEASE I BEG YOU TO STOP WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S JOY DIVISION" and you probably get what i'm saying. it's EXHAUSTING to be like this. once upon a time i ate a tiny bit of acid and it made me so pleasant and calm. and now it's haunting me and i just want to be pleasant and calm all the time and currently i really have a hard time seeing people as people before i know them because everyone looks the same AND AT THE SAME TIME WHY DO I WORSHIP MYSELF OVER EVERYONE ELSE WHEN MONEY CAN BUY ANYTHING ANYWAY AND WHY IS IT BETTER TO CHOOSE CERTAIN CLOTHES FROM H&M RATHER THAN THOSE MOST CHOOSE???? ah, i feel like this stuff won't be a problem for me in like two years, but as for now, ugh. but you know, i bet this partially has something to do with my style being mainstream fashion at the moment. i've had pastel hair for years without being a mall goth at the same time, and i've loved pvc and platform shoes (i've had my creepers for 7 years) and i've had a bob since forever and i just feel like i do my own thing better than everyone else who's thing it isn't and it's bothering me that i look like everyone else. and i want to say it's because everyone else sees me as "just another fashionista (god how i hate that word)" but that's how i look at people too (but then again, truth is it's easy to spot someone who is fashionable and still doing their own thing contra someone wearing platforms shoes, galaxy patterns and a flower crown with lavender hair and disco pants all at the same time) and it's just a vicious cycle and i want out. because i'm not a vicious person at all. i'm a very nice and loving and silly person and i just want to enjoy life as much as i can, heck, i'm so nice i only watch sitcoms. i really just want to be happy and do nice things and have a moderate collection of pretty stuff that i appreciate for reasons other than the brand or how hip it is. sometimes i wonder if stopping using the internet for other things than netflix and actually looking for information would be the key. maybe i should go to india and smoke endless amounts of weed and come back a hippie.
but, i really want to bring some good news, too. some time ago, i wrote about how misogynist and sexist i am, and i really feel i've become incredibly much better. so now it's just this snobbery and elitism and insecurity that has to go. i feel heaps better after finally writing it out, too. to anyone who knows me it's no news, but now it's really out in the open and i'll try to better myself further.
i think i've heard two songs from one direction but i'm still crushing on them more than ever, currently i'm watching "mtv live hd" and best song ever is on again and it's so adorable. why can't i be in one direction?
(a selena gomez vid is on now, she's so ridiculously pretty and this song (come & get it) is extremely catchy. very much enjoying the scenery as well lol see how i'm overcompensating now that i've admitted what a witch i really am)
(bastille, on the other hand, bores me to death)
(i _love_ ray dalton in this macklemore song (can't hold us), i love his subtle dancing when he first appears, i love his clothes, i love his voice, i want to be him, he seems extremely zen)
much love, seriously.